Poetry.

The House that Built Itself

A children's story. A pile of wood on an empty block decides it wants to be a house. Written for my nephew, watching one appear week by week on the way to school.

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The Rainbow Horse

An origin myth. Why horses lost their wings and colours, and where rainbows come from. Written from a dream, 1989.

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Martin Luther King and Nonviolent Resistance

A philosophy exam. Three hours scheduled; twenty minutes available. My son had been hurt at the crèche. I wrote furiously and handed it in. Perfect score. No special circumstance sought.

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So many levels
of communication
weaving through
our conversation
Did I hear
the right ones
did you hear
what I
didn't say
are we any closer
now
or are the words
taking us
further apart

You and I
touching through
a barbed wire fence
skirting round
the danger zone
of future days
and present loves
Will we ever
find a way through
to us?

I am
an intelligent
warm
caring woman.
I can move with ease
amongst paupers
and kings
comfortable
in either world
and all those
in between
Yet with you
I am gauche,
naïve
unsure
of what to do
what to say
how to move
how to be.
Scared that
just me
won't be enough
for you,
and yet
just me
is all I have
to give.

When it's time
for you
to leave
please
remember
to tell me
before you go
Give me the chance
to hold you
to love you
to smile
with you
for you
one last time

Little tiny sparrows
chittering near our feet
picking up the chips
you scatter round.

Whenever there are sparrows
I will always think of you
and be thankful
for the love
that we have found

I can feel
the ice anger
building
deep within me.
I know its danger
the destruction
I can wield
with its unleashing
Is the fire
of my love
strong enough
to melt my anger
before it's bitter cold
touches you?

A small, cold
uncertainty
creeps in
under my blanket
of calm acceptance.
Perhaps your
long silence
really means
you're gone.
But no!
You wouldn't leave
without saying
goodbye…
Would you?

Sometimes —
in the middle
of the night —
I lie awake
and wonder
if I'm ever
going to see you
again.
I try to catch
your image
but you have become
strangely unreal —
like the ghost
of Christmas past.

How can you say
'I love you'
then turn to the arms
of someone else
Is love a game
a word to be offered
like a sweet bribe
to a child
or a reward
to a pet
for a trick well-done
Does loving me
mean nothing
to you?

Never stay
for fear
of leaving
or causing pain.
Goodbyes
always hurt
but they heal
cleanly.
The prison built
by dishonest love
inflicts a jagged
wound
that poisons
all the good
and scars
the heart
for life.

Are you going
to leave me
take my heart
and go?
Are you like
too many others
I have known?
I pray
that you're not
that you,
who are most
precious of all
to me,
have the courage
to step out —
take the chance
on my
strange loving

Now the distance
between us
is physical
I am no longer
tormented
by your absent
nearness
I can listen
for other sounds
besides your returning
hear other things
than your silence
see things
other than
the lack of you
The missing
is easier
a hundred miles
away

'How are you?' they all ask
'Fine, very well' I reply
and they nod their heads
and smile, accepting my words
at face value — never looking
to see if they're mirrored
in my eyes — not hearing
the echoing emptiness of my voice
But what else is there now
except the social lie of 'fine'
How can you answer
'There is a brick in my stomach
My heart seems to have forgotten
how to beat, my spirit has fallen
to the bottom of a bottomless pit
and the sun can't shine
on me anymore since you took
your smile away'
So I keep saying 'Fine'
'Very well' from behind the painted
mask that looks just like me

I wanted to write
a poem
one perfect poem,
that could say
all that I feel.
The love,
the pain,
the joy
and the loss.
One that would gather
all the memories together
and hold them
always.
One perfect poem
that would speak gently
of camellias and sparrows,
of dreams lost and found,
of love.
But the words are broken,
shattered and empty
like my heart,
and how can I write
a perfect poem
with broken words
and lost love.

Battle worn
and weary
I sit here
resigned
to its ending
emptied of feeling
as one always is
when the fight
is over
and the pain
is just beginning.
Waiting is useless
activity futile
nothing has meaning
beyond the tiredness
So I sit here
resigned
to whatever
comes next

I took the long road
into the mountains tonight
Their lonely splendour
eased my pain
The cool, quiet darkness
embraced my emptiness,
welcomed my cold sorrow
making it its own
encompassing me and
replenishing my desolate heart
with its deep, dark peace.
I said goodbye to you
in the solitude of the mountains
then, gentled and soothed
I turned for home
and met a fairyland of lights
welcoming me back

Everything ends.
Time always comes
when you reach
the limit
and have to say
goodbye.
Did you know
when that time comes
even swings
cry

We had us a good time
— almost the best
We loved us a lifetime
lived it with zest
We had us a summer
a spring and a fall
and now it's the winter
— it comes to us all.
We rode on a rainbow
swang on a smile
shared a forever
in such a short while
And now it's all over
I'll lay it to rest
but we had us a good time
— almost the best.

Ah, life is cold
now I've given up
my dream
and the sun
seems to have lost
its will to shine
The shimmering
silver starlight
has turned its back
on me
and moonlight
has become
a mockery
It seems that light
is only
for those who dare
to dream
so here I stand
in cold and empty
dark

Sleeping
is a good activity
for me right now.
I might even
be tempted to say
the best.
It's not that I'm tired
it's just that
I miss you
— your absence
wearies me
and drains my life
of colour
and energy.
When I sleep
you can be with me
in my dreams
and if you're not really there
it's okay
because you see
I'm not awake to notice.

The day will dawn
when I will wake
and you
won't be on my mind
The night will come
when I'll lay down to sleep
without aching
for your arms around me
There will be a day
when your memory
won't torment me
when I won't
watch for you
wait for you
hope for you to come
Till then
I'll smile on outside
(just like you asked)
and live for the day
that is not full
of the absence of you

Strange place this.
Not the end,
that's been and gone.
Not the beginning,
that's yet to come.
Somewhere
in between instead
— a vacuum
of waiting

I am a dream keeper
finding dreams
deep within the drifters
that enter my life
and holding them
within me.
Safely I keep them
and slowly
gently
bring them to light
adding strength
and encouragement,
until they find the dream,
reclaim it,
and leave.

I am a dream keeper
for others
Is there no-one
who will keep my dream
for me?

I'm tired of people
that enter my life
staying only long enough
for me to love them
then leaving.
I want someone
who will come and stay
long enough
for me to love them
and then keep on
staying.

Walking
on the beach today
I found
a shell
and a cuttlefish
Not the biggest
perhaps not the best
but just right
for me.

One day
you'll come
I wonder
will I know you
when you do
or will you be
a stranger
wearing the mask
of the man
I love

Looking
at the blossom today
I noticed
that petals don't fall
They drift
and glide
flowing from the tree
to softly, gently
meet the earth

I wonder
if you understood
the frantic gaiety
in my voice
for what
it really was
Did you see
behind it
the desperate longing
for your touch,
the urgent desire
for your presence
all overwhelmed
by the compelling need
not to inflict
my pain
on you

Midnight chimed
and my borrowed magic
had to be given back
All is now
as it was before.
You are with her
and I am alone
But in my heart
the magic still lives
we are together
and midnight
never comes

Who are you
to disturb
my balance
throw my heart
off centre
turn my desire
to the thought
of you
your kiss
your touch
Who are you
to walk into
my life
when you have
no room in yours

See me!
Shatter the mirror
of your illusion
break through
the image
of your fear
See me!
Woman
in all my glory
Woman
in all my
despair

I went to the beach today
It was quiet and peaceful
There was nobody there.
I thought of you
and how nice it would be
if you were here too.
Today
I really missed you.

I love you
You are
the sun
the moon
the stars
of my being.
I love you
can't you taste it
in my words
sense it
in my touch
feel it
in my voice.

For me, love and memory are never only thoughts or feelings. They are color, taste, sound, and touch — sometimes all at once. When I write of tasting a voice or feeling the color of longing, it's not metaphor. It's just the truth of how I live.

Sadness
has coloured
your eyes
a sorrowful
shade
of brown
and painted
your face
a mask
of grey.
How I wish
the colours
of my heart
could fill
your life's palette
and paint you
happy again

Standing here
before you
laughing
joking
praying
you don't see
the blood
trickling
from my pierced
heart
yet hoping
that you care
enough
to notice

You walked
through my life
smashing barriers
opening doors
pulling feelings
and dreams
from my heart
that had been
locked away
behind hurt and pain
for a lifetime
You made me feel
love
just by being you
I only wish
that you
had stopped walking
long enough
to close the doors
behind you

I'm spinning at the edge
of the darkness
waiting for the end
of my dream
I'm holding on tight
to the music and light
and the dancers
who don't even know my name
There's a shadow in my heart
that won't release me
it's a blackness
that is just the shape of you
and it's dragging me down
and twisting me round
and it knows that you'll be
gone from tonight
So I'll keep holding on
let the music be strong
let the dancers come and spin me away
to a place in the night
filled with music and light
and dancers
that are dancing my pain

I thought
that when I
knew
you didn't
want me
my heart
would be
broken
I'm happy
to say
that it's not.
It is merely
destroyed

You called me to you
with a song of love
A siren song
luring me away
from my peaceful world
with promises of sharing
happiness and caring
of future days
with you
I danced to the rhythm
of your music
and my heart was caught
by the beauty of your song
I came to you
answering your siren call
only to find
the music had died
the song was over
and you
were gone.

You move in my mind
like a half remembered
fairy tale
a dream
that was never quite caught
on waking
You slip in and out
of my thoughts
weaving your essence
through the strands
of my mind.
Never leaving
never staying
always there
forever gone
My heart moves
eternally with you.

Guess it was
just one of
those days
when the blues
hit
and life seems
like it'll never
be straight again
Just one of
those days
when the grey
closes in
and losing you
seems to
hurt

words
fall as bricks
tones
become cement
eyes
avoid contact
and so the wall
rises
higher and higher
trapping
murdering
the love
that gave so much
leaving only
two walled in strangers
running
from the twilight zone
into the safety
of the past

A puppy died
last night
brutally
thoughtlessly
struck down
by a demon
named
'man'

Watching you
washing nappies
collecting toys
listening to your conversation
on childhood diseases
and door to door makeup
I see no likeness
no similarity
to my friend.

For Bobbi, who always laughed loudest

Laughing lady
strutting
on the stage
of life.
I wonder
how many understand
the depth
that is
buried
beneath
your mask.

In all honesty
I have to say
I'm not sure what
I feel for you
I care for you
I hurt for you
but I present myself
with all barriers closed
each time I see you,
or talk to you
I'm afraid of you
and I don't know why
Something that I sense in you
could hurt me badly.
I fear you.

Do me a kindness
love of my life
let my heart
go free
say you don't
want me
say you never will
break my heart
shatter my dreams
in one painful moment
and let me hurt
so that I can
live again

I write
to remember
I write
to forget
I write
so that the words
stop screaming
in my head
so the feelings
can escape
before I reach
overload
My writing
is my floodgate
my release
my freedom

Throw coins
Read ‘I Ching’
Is it any answer
or just a straw
to clutch
in the face
of this tearing
uncertainty.
Hexagram 61

You and I
separated
by oceans
of words
aimed
so carefully
at each other
and cutting
only ourselves

Looking at you
tonight
a million miles away
across the table
How I yearned
to hold you
caress you
love you
but the table
was too wide
for me to cross
and all I had left
was looking at you
a million miles away

Life is nothing
but a passing moment
and mankind
its greatest mockery
The ultimate joke

I gave her
my dreams
She threw them
aside
crushed and
broken
You picked them up
and gave them
back to me
whole
and complete
held together
with the essence
of you

It's okay now
I've flipped
into overload
Nothing
can touch me
where I am now
all feeling is
locked in stasis
trapped forever
awaiting your touch

My last glimpse of you was
through the darkened window of a bus
A blurred image my final memory
As you went out of my life.
What was on your mind
As I faded from your view
Was it memories of me?
My mind was filled with you.

Token woman.
Toy.
Accepted
allowed room
in your life
only as long as I
feel nothing
be nothing
stay in my place
live only as much
as you allow
Shut out
cast aside
when I show you
me

Pressure
bearing down
burying me.
Is this how
Atlas felt
when all
the world
refused
to believe
in him?

Strange pain this
not like others
I have felt
I don't know
whether
to count it good
or bad
you see
it only hurts
when I smile

Every poet
needs
inspiration,
like wood
as fuel
for a fire,
wind
to lift wings
in flight.
You
are my inspiration
Without you
my words
dry up
crumble to dust
and vanish

Today is not a good day
My heart forgot
to read the news
and so waited
for your arrival
I tried to tell it
you weren't coming
that you'd left
forever
but it wouldn't believe me
and so broke again
waiting for you.
I hate it
when my heart
won't listen to me

Too much to say
Too few words
Want you in my arms
But your armour
Is cold steel
jagged edged
Can't close off
You go too deep
Don't really want to
Near you
Is wholeness
Away from you
Is the dark night sky
Devoid of stars

Colors

I am with you now
Do you feel me?
Go deep inside
To my bright pink love
And a lilac rose
That is me
Deep inside you
Blending with
Your cool blue
Earth brown
Core of fire red
Colors dancing
Through me
Through you
Flowing between us
Silver coated
Color links
Always together
In love

There's magic in you
and treasure
hidden deep
Don't throw it away
on just anyone
Wait for the person
who'll take the time
to look
and bring it
slowly
and gently
to the surface
Ties built quickly
break quickly
There's a lot
to be said
for slow and gentle
easy does it
loving

‘Is there anybody there?’ she cried
Knocking on the silent door
‘Anyone at all inside
To help me end this bitter war?’

An answer came from deep within
‘We’re here, if you can find the key
It’s hidden where no one has been
For many silent centuries.’

‘And who can find it?’ she begged them tell
‘Hidden in this ancient place?’
‘Only you,’ the answer fell
Echoing through empty space.

‘And is it far or is it near
the key that will unlock this door?’
‘It’s neither and it’s both we fear.’
And then they answered her no more.

Singer on the stage
your voice is tearing at my heart
and your music
beats a pathway to my soul
every note you sing burns deeper
till I'm lost inside the sound
and your voice is all
that holds me to the ground

And it hurts to know you're leaving
and you won't be back again
you've got somewhere waiting for you
somewhere else
and there's nothing I can do
but keep drowning in your music
dancing to the rhythm
of the ache of loving you

So singer on the stage
keep on tearing at my heart
hold me tightly
with the magic of your voice
let me lose myself inside it
like I'm lost in loving you
deep inside the rhythm
that is burning in my soul

And it hurts to know you're leaving
and I won't see you again
there's a lady waiting for you
back at home
and there's nothing I can do
but keep drowning in your music
dancing to the rhythm
of the ache of loving you

Why is it the memory
of your body close to mine
lives on inside my heart
when you are gone

Why is it that the sunlight
throws a shadow shaped like you
beside me
when I'm walking on my own

Why is it that this love is growing deeper
Why is it that my heart won't set me free
I'm living with a love that's gone forever
and the memory still keeps on haunting me

Why is it the crashing
of the waves upon the beach
remind me
of the living in your eyes

Why is it that your image
the face I loved so true
still lingers in my dreams
night after night

Why is it that this love is growing deeper
Why is it that my heart won't set me free
I'm living with a love that's gone forever
and the memory still keeps on hurting me.